So much gratitude for the growth of this past year.
Goddess Kali stoked my fire. Kept me strong but not hardened. Kept me fierce but not cruel. Moments of weakness. Moments of feeling lost. Feeling as though I’d break, then realizing that my shell had to burst open to allow the seeds I had sown, so long ago, to come to fruition.
I stand now a little bit wiser than a year ago.
A little more bruised and scuffed up.
But I marvel at the beauty that has emerged as me.
At the strength in my ability to be vulnerable. At the capacity my heart has for love. At how each time I thought I’d reached a breaking point, it moved further and further from my sight and I remained whole.
So… I’ve had a pretty intense year. Finding acceptance for transition that I didn’t feel I was ready for but was put at my doorstep so had no choice but to welcome it. In my first post I talked about breath. How simply breathing and finding silence can bring solace and peace. This is true in my day to day life. However, there were many times this past year where peace could not be found simply in my breath but in sitting amidst the chaos, feeling the sharp ache of heartbreak, embodying sadness, resentment, anger or grief instead of distracting myself by things that felt temporarily better.
There were days it was difficult to wake up and face the day and my girls with a smile because my heart was heavy, my head throbbed from crying once they had finally gone to sleep the night before and I could finally be alone in my heartbreak. There were days I felt like I was just keeping everything afloat. Drowning gracefully.
Everyday no matter what that day held for me, I made a promise to accept it as reality. Not resist what came my way. I constantly reminded myself to relinquish the words “what if…” and live by the words “What is…”
This is where Kali stepped in. Even though I feared the unknown, I faced it head on. I realized, through attachment that I kept broken pieces inside to continue to wound me. We all do this. Maybe to affirm that our pain is real? Validate our suffering? I’m not sure why but I do know that sitting in that pain, feeling that sadness and anger, looking at those broken pieces of me and realizing I didn’t want to feel broken from the inside anymore is what made me whole again.
I felt heartbreakingly sad but each day made an effort to be happy with myself. I felt massive waves of rage but each day chose to be kind to myself. I felt broken down and defeated but each day chose to raise my head and walk with it held high. And over the days and months of doing this, I started to feel whole again. Embodying the Goddess within. Showing compassion to myself for the pain I had so long chosen to endure… for fear of letting go and feeling emptiness. Forgiving myself for losing footing on a misguided path. Honouring myself for being human and having loved in such an all encompassing way. I started to feel strong again. Light again. Me again.
So I guess the purpose of this post is to show the other side of the coin. The chaos. What we label as “the bad side”. To hopefully show that it’s ok to feel these emotions. It’s ok because they’re human. We are human. The key is to not dwell in them. To face them, no matter how ugly. To feel them, no matter how heavy. And then to release them and lighten the load for the rest of the journey. A year ago I had to consciously tell myself to wake up, smile, put one foot in front of the other. Now I’ve reawakened my nature. Creativity is flowing. Synchronicities are abundant. A smile or laugh is never far from my lips.
Moral of this long winded story? We choose how we feel each day. Life happens. The flow is constant and never halts. We can’t change the past, we can’t control the future. All we have is now. So make the choice to feel, to experience, to live in the vibration of our highest good and promote growth. There are really only two emotions. Fear and Love. Everything else are shades along that spectrum. So I say to you, take note when you’re “in chaos” and ask yourself if you are reacting from a place of fear (anger,sadness, greed etc) or from love (kindness,happiness,compassion etc).
Love is the highest vibration.